Library · Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
Part 6
Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners · John Bunyan
169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They are none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable; nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, Return unto Me; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, For you know that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc.
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence: wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before.
177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these several years already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in His ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let you sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows the beginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way; and that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there salvation in any other; for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One that could so love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus: you have put Him from you; you have said in your heart, Let Him go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you have severed yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God’s Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared: for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled and died; neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unless He should come down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raised from the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him. Rom. vi. 9.
186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, But in all these, I was as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scattered and rent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead; that is always crying out, and cutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.
187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.
188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch! I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldst Thou find out such a word as this! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.
189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.
190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, I have loved thee with an everlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripture cannot be broken. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4–6. For, if we sin wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fain honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.